claws_13

I am going to upgrade my highschool courses...I am going to get my CPR..I am going to read all of my new books..I am going to get contacts...I am gunna get my teeth cleaned...I am going to get wrist braces...I am going to lighten my hair...I will Get my liscence...I will go to college..I will be somebody...I will not cry anymore...I will cover all of my mirrors...I will move to somewhere i like better....I won't think of anything regretful that I've done, or the failures I havn't even accomplished...I won't remember my scars...I won't remember the people that made me feel like nothing...I won't rembember my fear of inadequacy, because of the things that they did and said..I will no longer blame myself or feel like it's always my fault..I will no longer feel like i'm not worth it...I will one day forgive myself for being me...I will one day be able to sit alone and not have to hide from my own thoughts..I should go to therapy...I should treat people nicely because they might feel just as bad...I should be accepting..I know lies just breed hurt...I know there is no absolution to any of the things that are painful to think about...I wish I knew how to deal with all of it...I wish I could explain...


If only there weren't those thoughts, those thing those moments that pull at everything all at once. It's always a constant battle of wether to lay down and breath, or hold your breath and plunge on blindly.If only the bad thing people have done to you cancelled out the bad things you've done.Or the bad things you feel.But its not like that and they don't have my conscience..my family conscience.

I am...I will..I won't..I should..I know..I wish...


I wish I could do all of those things.

FOUR DAYS !!!!!Yay we get to go home we get to go home !!! hehehehehe, I'm so excited.

I went and got my make-up done today and looked all purdy, i'd put pictures up if i could. And i bought some make-up too. It was all from MAC they have nice stuff.It was a trial run so that we would know what to do for my christmas party at work. And im gunna wear a purdy dress and my prom shoes and it'll be great!...And i recently noticed that on my pay stubs i've had a raise for awhile, YAY for an extra 20 cents an hour!AND I got a Wii from my mommy and ryan and i can go bowling finally ! yay lol i think its scary how smart the Wii is ....its so purdy and sparkley!! ^_^ Thank you Mo mo!!!

I just got home from work awhile ago, the flourscent lighting there makes my ring sparkle soooo much. It makes me sooooo happy!Josh asked me yesterday September 16th!

Sooo I got a new book and I read through like almost half of it when i started reading it. My boyfriend had a first aid class for two days and i put blankets on the windows so i wouldn't crispy fry and sat in the car and read and wrote and slept.I got to see him on coffee breaks and lunch :)And Bambie I dunno if you've read it but I think that you would really really really like it. It's just a book of quotes for you I even found myself smirking as the character was cursing his mind for making his thoughts sound like a sexual innuendo when he already had so much to deal with. oh i guess to see if you have read it....it's Smoke and Shadows by Tanya Huff. My boyfriend picked it out cause he thought i'd like it but it was nothing like i was expecting but really funny. Plus it was like a $40.00 hard cover on sale at chapters for like $6.00 with tax yay!

The weather is really odd out here. We get those walls of sand and dirt like in the movie the mummy. Also little mini tornado's, and the wind is just a big bully and makes me almost fall on my face all the time.I am going to re-do my resume now that bambie made my cell phone work..so the can call me for interviews and i can have money to give to people and just cause. I've discovered im a pretty expensive person.But I'm going to the gym now and tanning their and going to the pool at my building and it's all good now i need money.

Well I think I may enjoy the ability to vent the little things a tad too much.My cartilage is too flexible(says my doctor) and i made the mistake of playing with my floater rib again and it is stabbing me.It is an awkward feeling.I also after having all four wisdom teeth removed feel as if they took no time to make the inside of my mouth feel as if they had not shredded i with razor blades.It feels like a hack job, isn't it supposed to heal all flat ish and nice? One of them...the one that the tooth was impacted decided not to heal at all. It's a big gaping hole which food likes to get stuck in and then taste like ass.It bleeds all the time and i can stab toothpicks nice and deep into it and not feel it, but feel it submerging into somthing.It's gross.I am on my 5th and 6th book and i don't read every day either...i'm running out and i don't even read...ppl know this.

Ohhh...finally I figured out where everyone was on this site.Now I actually get to feel like there is life on this planet after all.That other ppl think and live and all of that.I just read wry_and_coke's outlooks on things and me.And only for the sake that I know she hasn't been on the computer will I say it hurts to read it.It makes me feel like a messy jerk and that's about it.I guess we have never really gotten along that well.Reading about Gary..my boss again also stirred up some emotion.I am a person with strong will, but when someone dies you seem to almost want to regret everything if only it could give them more time.I still don't have the adress to send the card..I think it is not near good enough. But I feel I need to say something,even though something is never gunna make it right. "With sympathy In the loss of your husband."moments together are never forgotten...they are forever remembered in our hearts.""The last thing you probably want to hear is peoples "sorrys".I won't pretend to know the extent of pain you must be going through.I sincerely hope that you know I only wish I could take some of your burden away.It must always feel like you were not given enough time to say goodbye.It could never be enough time.Love can last through a lifetime and beyond,and he will never stop loving or being there for you.Love doesn't just stop,and I send mine out to you.If only there weren't so many "ifs" and uncertainties it wouldn't hurt so much. I'm sorry.Sincerely "he lived a full and happy life, and together you shared many years of love.Although he is gone,rich,warm memories of all that he meant to you will one day be a source of comfort.Until then,may it help to know that many are thinking of you and remembering him with love." Yeah the middle is mine the other is courtesy of hallmark...Oh and bambie i am reading like a book every 3 days or a book a day...talk about crazy.And my boyfriends dad does have a skeleton and it is illegal.

I have nothing really of value to say, but I feel like I should have a kid on each hip. Ha ha, I got up ate something did laundry,cleaned out the fridge,cleaned the cat litter,did the dishes,put away the clean ones and tidied around the house and shortly I have to go collect the laundry from the dryer.If you knew me you would know that that is just oh so terribly wrong. But I like it, and when my man gets home I will make dinner, and make him his lunch.It's so cute and wifey it's funny and the cleaning and such is so not me. Soon I will get a job and hopefully these habits stay in tact.But it's just weird.It is our 11 month anniversary today..next month it's a year !